From a Restless Heart
Dyed some eggs by myself….

Dyed some eggs by myself….

Feeling a little better now. Talked to my boss and found out everything was based on seniority. I asked if I completely bombed the interview and she told me no, it was just a numbers game. She said if she had another site to put me at, she could have placed me and if there is any turn over, I would be the first person offered the job. I can’t bank on this of course so I guess I will keep my eyes open to new opportunities and see what happens.

I didn’t sleep very well last night. I feel embarrassed having been demoted. I know this is better than not being offered an alternate job at all but it seems like it would still feels the same. I’m so overwhelmed about leaving my school, my co-workers, and my students. I feel like part of my identity was ripped from me, as stupid as it sounds. I feel empty, not good enough. All my hard work and extra time I put into program was a waste. Then the worst part is having to experience this all over again when people ask if I got the job or not. Then when I tell them I did not, they think I am pulling their leg. I feel like calling in sick today but I know I won’t because I may be down on myself but I’m not a coward and I feel that would be weak. I feel like I’m in mourning. I know this will go away. I know life will move on. I know I will get over it, but knowing this does not help the hurt I feel right now. Everyone has been telling me to talk to my supervisors but why? Talking/complaining/whining won’t change the circumstances and all I will do is cry because of how emotional I am right now. I’m not going to waste my breath. 

Well, I did not get the job. FML.

Tomorrow, we are supposed to find our who made the cut at work…. When? I’m
not sure considering we have a meeting between 11:30 and 1…. Are they going to call during work hours? I’m so nervous.

Jammed my finger at work today.

Jammed my finger at work today.

I am so drained and really wish Spring Break was this coming week!

I had my interview and I’m not sure how well I did. I know I’m very critical of myself but the questions that were asked were over complicated and wordy. For instance there was a question within a question with a question. What the hell? Then I found out the next day they had to simplify the questions more. I better get brownie point for enduring questions that were not simple in the least. I am still nervous though and I keep thinking “what am I going to do if I lose my job?” I absolutely dread going back in unemployment and competing for jobs I don’t even want. I’m really trying to stay positive, but this is always in the back if my head.

I need a vacation.

My interview is scheduled for tomorrow at 10. I have my outfit picked out. I have 5 folders containing my cover letter, resume, and letters if recommendation. I’m still trying to prepare questions to ask during the interview. I was relieved to find out the interviews were being held 15 minutes apart (confirmed by my boss) but it looks as though they will actually be 30 minutes. I feel under prepared but I’m so tried of worrying, analyzing, and over thinking everything. At this point, I feel they either like me or they don’t.

I found my first gray hair today. I don’t feel bad about it. Just find it humorous.

I found my first gray hair today. I don’t feel bad about it. Just find it humorous.

Feeling quite depressed today. I think everything is hitting me all at once. My Uncle dying, my aunt feeling alone, the possibility if losing my job, having to leave my school and coworkers, starting over at a new school, the hubby having the opposite work schedule of me…. I guess it will just have to be one if those days.